I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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