she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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