It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
