You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
