that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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