It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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