i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
