On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
