if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
