I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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