i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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