Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
