I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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