just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
