I wish I could teleport
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
