I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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