I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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