So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
