My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
