I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
