I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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