she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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