Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
