when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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