You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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