Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
