good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
