so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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