Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
