She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
