The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
