You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
try to milk me bitch
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