U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't turn off my feet"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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