You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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