i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Rumble strips road head = magical
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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