Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
