You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
