There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
