I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
