My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
try to milk me bitch
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