I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
