Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
