haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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