So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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