My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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