I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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