i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
