Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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