we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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