Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
