I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
