She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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