i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
