I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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